$2 Will Get You Crabs

When my sister and I were little, we used to love to go to the Christmas Tree Shops. We would always go during the summer when my mom's parents would visit, and Grampy would give us each one dollar to spend on whatever we wanted.

Fuck nickels.

We would always put both of our dollars in my 101 Dalmatians wallet, for safekeeping, and then put that wallet into Mom's purse. Protection was key.

We would run into the store, get a little hand carriage, and work our way through the aisles, looking at the items on the shelf discerningly.

A nice, scented candle would have added a lovely touch to our fort at home, but Mom said Feng Shui had to be attained through non-flammable means.

And our army of "Puppy in my Pockets" would have totally loved a bunk bed, but it was just slightly above outr $2.00 price range, due to the applicable sales tax.

Fifi, my least favorite Puppy in my Pocket. Her huggability if of no consequence to me because she was an idiot.

We could've gotten upwards of 15 bags of jumbo cotton balls....

Or a badmitton set, (without the net)...

Priority to the stained glass turtle for uselessness.

The possibilities were seemingly endless to our little prepubescent selves.

                                       (Sister)                                 (Me)              

Also, we didn't really wear doll clothes.

In the end, we'd usually end up buying something weird, like a 24 pack of waxy, shitty crayons, a sweater meant for a cat, or one of those fluffy dusters used for getting dust and hair off of fans and cats.

One year, we agreed to pool our money for a big hermit crab and a baby hermit crab. I don't know why or how the Christmas Tree Shop obtained roughly fifty hermit crabs, but that is not the point. The point is, we bought a hermit crab family from the Christmas Tree Shop.

Do hermit crabs lay eggs?

After that year, Mom said Grampy wasn't allowed to give us any more dollars...Fifi didn't deserve a freaking bunk bed anyway.